thinking too much

Note  to self: good fractal info blog review .... and "links to beat boredom"claysol13.wordpress.com/2008/09/15/links-to-beat-boredom
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Also --- this linkwww.npr.org/templates/story/story.php that in my mind connects the two thoughts.

Okay one more time, haha. I' ll never learn. See that photo of me? I am not that happy anymore. Sometime I will write down what happened the late summer of 2008. It's very very hard for me to adjust too. In other words, that photo is not updated. Since Sept. 2008. I lived  with my mother  because she was ill and on hospice and wanted her only daughter to be home with her, I guess it was important. Well she too died in Dec.2008 and I stayed in the family home till March 2009. My daughter and son-in-law have a big house with a mothers-in-law basement appartment, they convinced me to live with with them and I am thankfull and happy I did. I know my cat Sebashtian is slowly but surely getting used to the new environment. Poor cat has been through so much this last year too. I took him to Texas and back ..... he had to be in a travel carrier at my feet on a plane. He was an positive cat traveler.

something inside me died along with James. I don't know - so mixed up now. 

You know, I just picked out colors and other settings to use in this blog. I thought of only one thing: how to introduce myself, (I think). This is what I came up with.:

Don't know why it disturbs me but it does. Not obsessively nothing like that, just plain curiosity.
It's like I want some feedback on how I am writing. Is my writing intended for a certain kind of audience? Who is my audience is more the question. It cannot be a lot of people that is for sure.
Well, it is amateur writing. It's not pro, by any stretch of the imagination. Wow, just having a hard time thinking of what to write. Ok, for an example. I cannot keep my eyelids from closing. Next thing I know is I am having dreams, then shake myself awake.

there isn't a reason to write here today. Don't know what to write about, plus whatever will be typed down on this, will be very terribly ordinary, most likely boring.

Hello Dear Journal:  Goingt o the doctor today
Dear Journal: going to the doctor today, actually it's a so called pain clinic, thats what they have in Texas. Do not know if I get my regular med. But I have nerve end damage from cryoglobulinemia,and that is my inmmune system reacting to the Hep-c virus, and the end stage liver disease. Wowi lookit at me.

http://homes.eff.org/~barlow/Declaration-Final.html

Yep, went to the doc this morning and left feeling chastised, but my number one goal is met. In other words, before he treated me, he first must tell me how he sees me, the truth, in his own words. Anyway, I knew all ready what he was telling me about myself. Gosh (eye/roll).No matter that I didn't want to hear it. Sometimes the truth hurts, ya know?

• Treat the earth well: it was not given to you by your parents, it was loaned to you by your children. We do not inherit the Earth from our Ancestors, we borrow it from our Children.
~ Ancient American Indian Proverb

learning the piano , reading, surfing the net, talking with my daughter, all day long and over and over again everyday. Thank God for this too. Whew. This song has got to be my fav from Archive, "I will fold"http://www.archiveofficial.com/radiotrax/lights/Lights_05-Fold.mp3 and follow the link. It' a beautiful song, I think. Never will I tire of this song. Music gets me through the day, then my boyfriend come home finally, at last.

it's 68 "F here in texas plus a sunny,warm morning to boot. Iam living at my boyfriends house, it's doing wonders for me, both physical and mental health elements in me, is swooning with a release of passion I didn't know lay hidden in me. Surprise, Surprise. hahaha.

Havn't been doing alot lately and want to update my journal...Had phenumia this spring, got put in the hosptial for 4 days..came out with a whole lotta stuff, like a walker, 4 oxigen tanks , an automatic oxgine tank, a visit with a visiting nurse 2 times a week, and then they sent the report to my doc. Not bad, huh? Uh then, beore that happened my son reutrned home from Prison march 27, 2006 he spent 9 months their, and he was only 18 at the time. Still havn't any boyfriends, although it's not for a lack of trying..Whew -- and I need a husband, desperately. Ok will get back to this later.

Yes: I made a mistake--hehehe--I got to wrtie this down before I forget, What my pain feels like is this;  Iamangine your arm is frozen is is thawing out at this moment as we speak, or imangine for a minute, you slept on your arm wrong, and wake up to arm s circluerlation is cut off, and it's  starting to get it's feeling back. Ok, I have  that kinda of pain, but  it migrates,from one spot to the next, it  travels all over my body, that feeling,and it hurts like it too. It's not just in one spot. That is cryoglobulinemia, and this is the pain I have been trying to explain all along--....

ok here goes, well since Iam 47 I do need my letters larger than normal. Ok, these are the pains today, tonight for example, I feel chilled, my legs are shaking, my hips and bum hurt, and of course my legs hurt like hell, also I do have a headache. see ya tomarrow

What a picture, huh? I only use the best ones possible, for very good reason too. I will get back to that later though. This is suposed to be a medical journal of Cryoglobulinemia nerve pain keeping for the doctors. Ok I just can't get enough sleep because Iam always dozing off, anywhere I happened to be at the moment If Iam that fatigue, Most of the time Iam, It's awfulWhen I write in this journal I don't got to pretend. And When done pretending, collaspe in bed, pain shooting all around my body, just moving fast from one spot to the next. When Iam still and resting from, like my like my daughter and grandson visiting, for example. Whew--. However I exprience a lot of pain, when Iam sleeping, my body sort-of freezes while sleeping, it seems like. My body when waking up, feels like it's thawing out, pain is everywhere, EVERYWHERE. If I was sleeping on my right arm , it would fall asleep too, resulting in cutting off the circulation on accident. Thats my right arm, the left Iam going to talk about, because if I don't write this down, I will have forgotten it. My arm and hand go limp, it feels like, pain along with the limp feeling, starting in my hands climbing up my arm,untill mid-upper arm..pain migrats all over my bodjust like what I just said. I just got previewing this entry, and Iam put another picture of me to "compare and contrast" This picture, I think has someplace else.......ahh another thing--my neck cracks, like when a person cracks their nuckles. Well, my necks cracks that way when I sit in one position for about 5 minutes, so you. Put the last picture in, there is three.. can see why, my body would feel the ways it does in the mornings , when I first wake up. Did I make sense? I hope anyone who reads will understand...

hardly , I do not look ill at all, but still whenever there is a maybe a relationship in the makings, and I tell them this --it falls flat..No thats not true--. Men do like me, and they seem not to care about the hep-c because most of them are far away and we cannot meet in person..However, this is a few I can meet in person..A couple I already did--One rejected me, flat out after the first date,wouldn't even hug me on our first date..We had a second date too, we watched a movie at his home..We had a good time, after that date, we didn't speak to each other at all for weeks..I tried and he just got angry with me, said he didn't know if he wanted a relationship. Well, that was last summer, and I hear from him now and again,. He does not want a relationship not even a friendship.I t's easy to tell, although he didn't come right out and tell me at the begining, probley because he didn't want to hurt my feelings.. Still I would rather he did, Iam not a little girl and I do take rejection well. Thats all for right now.

3 in the moring you say? wow and my bathroom is haunted. Now it's 6:45am, last night was never open anyway, the sunrise is beautiful this morning. Ah there is the sun, slowly rising, bathing my room in wonderful sunlight, slowly -oh-so-slowly....HAHAHAit is now9:26am, I fell alseepright when I was writting..I sleep ood. Ifall alseep for every two hours all night, I mean I sleep for two hours, wake up and start to do something and fall asleep while doing it, crazy..For example,I fal alseep by 12 O'clock, wake up around 2 am start to read or type on my computer and fall sleep, whats really funny, is when one of my buddies get online and tries to talk with, I answer back back literly scibbling something unreadable, they quickly understand Iam half alseep.Woke up with a headache this morning..my left eye hurts and I am very stiff and in a lot of pain...everey morning, at though I didn't wake up in mass pain like i do sometimes.